Wading in the Velvet Sea

Now, I know one of the benefits of a website is its interactivity, but sometimes, it’s enough to simply give the user the info he or she needs so they can be on their merry way. Not everything needs bells and whistles and addendums and Flash-based animations and online polls and such. When I go to weather.com, I want a forecast, and I want to leave. But weather.com has other ideas. It wants to tell me how to raise the kids I don’t even have yet.

Visiting the site tonight, I noticed a link under tomorrow’s forecast, which calls for rain. The link promises me “Fun Things to Do on a Rainy Day”. Now, if this were a rainy night they were talking about, I would hop on the phone sight unseen and tell Eddie Rabbit that weather.com’s been copping his style. But they are talking about rainy days, so I suppose they are safe from any lawsuits. Clicking on the link, I came across the following list. Everything’s verbatim. Ladies and gentleman, weather.com’s suggestions for things to do with your kids when the weather’s gloomy.

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After-School Fun!
Fun Things To Do On a Rainy Day...
It's raining outside, and the ball game has been cancelled. Not sure what to do with the kids? Try one of these ideas:

Right off the bat they assume the kids play sports. Racist, man. What if my kid loves art, or music, or is just wicked fat? In any and all cases, your presupposition is false, and therefore, anything derived from here on out is derived from a false premise, and as such, I will mock you and your own offspring.

Paint a picture of a rainbow.

This is option one? Really? The first one that came to mind? And shouldn’t we all be painting a rainbow, not a picture of a rainbow? That makes it sound like I already have to have a picture of a rainbow lying around the house that will enable me to perform the task you’ve laid out for me and my family, and I can tell you right now, I don’t. So now the kids are looking at me like I’ve failed them as a father. Fantastic. Great start to the rainy day.

# True or False: A rainbow has 6 colors.
If you said false, you are correct! A rainbow is made up of a whole continuum of colors.

If my kid corrected me while painting his masterpiece of a rainbow by stating that his rainbow had not six colors, but a continuum, I would send him to his room and make him eat all 64 Crayola crayons before being allowed at my dinner table again. That’s right, Jimmy, eat Burnt Sienna, you smart ass.

Have an indoor picnic.
Throw a blanket on the floor and break out the sandwiches and cheese.

Ick. Germs. No thanks. No Swiffer can make me feel good about this plan at all. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back into my hermetically sealed bubble in the basement.

Make a bird feeder.

Oh, hell.

# Materials needed: plastic milk jug, yarn, scissors, birdseed

This is already too difficult. I’m a McGee. Anything past “screwing in a lightbulb” is beyond my capacity for carpentry. This will be one desperate ass bird that eats at Ryan’s Birdhouse of Pain and Horror.

Get an empty milk jug and cut it all the way around, about 2-3 inches from the bottom.

Susie, empty the milk before cutting! Empty it! Oh jeez, look at this mess. Well, go down there and lap it up. Go ahead, have a picnic. It’s OK, weather.com says it’s fine.

Discard the top piece in a recycling bin.
Take the bottom piece and punch holes in each of the 4 sides with the scissors.
Cut 4 long strands of yarn--at least 3 feet long.
Tie and knot one strand through each hole.
Knot all 4 strands together about 1 foot from the top.
Tie the top of the strands to a tree limb to hang the feeder from a tree.
Fill with birdseed.

Sorry kids, I was out at the packie buying some beer. Did I miss anything? How’s the birdhouse coming? Daddy will be in the other room, watching “Studio 60” on DVR, let him know how it’s going in half an hour or so.

Jump over mud puddles.

Failure is not an option. Land in one, and a monster will grab you by the ankles and suck you into his hell dimension. Have fun, kids!

Play a rainfall trivia game.

Weather.com, put the crack pipe down. WTF is a rainfall trivia game? Sounds like something really lame hippies play. I can only think of two questions involved in this game. Q: “What is falling from the sky right now?” A: Rain. Q: “What makes it fall?” A: “Gravity.” Game over. We all lose. Ten seconds of our life. That we’ll never get back.

See who can guess the average number of inches of precipitation that Seattle gets for each month of the year. Use our Averages & Records to find the answers.

*stares slackjaw at the screen*

Are you f#cking serious? Do you even have kids, weather.com? Do you actually play this with them, or are you trying to see if I’m stupid enough to not see you’re messing with me? This type of game makes Chutes and Ladders seem like an XBOX360. Good gravy. Well, least you only limited this “fun” activity to only one city.

Continue playing with other cities in the U.S.

Oh, just kick me in the nuts and be done with it. If you're sitting around trying to guess how much rain Boise got last April, you hav failed as a family.

Act out a play.

Nothing like a little Eugene O’Neill to make the time fly by. I’d recommend “The Iceman Cometh”. It’s four hours long, and you can be “in character” by raiding your liquor cabinet to dull the pain of time at home with your family. Moms, if you’re stuck along with your daughter, try “’night, Mother”. Only two people needed for that. Laughs galore!

Do a rain dance.

At this point, I’ll be out in the storm itself, praying to be struck by lightning.

Make a list of all the things that make you smile, laugh, and cry.
# Things that make me smile: Sunshine and rain at the same time; Pizza for breakfast; Waking up on a Friday.
# Things that make me laugh: Tickling my feet; The dog licking my face.
# Things that make me cry: Sad movies, like Old Yeller; Dropping a bowling ball on my foot.

I feel like I just read weather.com’s eHarmony profile. And it doesn't feel good.

Compare lists with other family members.

“Honey, why do you have ‘the way our neighbor caresses me under the cover of moonlight” under your ‘things that make you smile’ list?”

Make a fort out of the kitchen table.

Make a weapon out of the cutlery set. Much more exciting. I should work for weather.com. I think I'm getting the hang of this.

Cover the table with a sheet and get out the flashlights.

Flashlights? After school? It’s raining! That’s all! It’s just some clouds, man. It’s not The Nothing from “The Neverending Story!” You don’t need flashlights at three o’clock in the afternoon, unless you have the mother of all thick sheets covering that table. And if so, it’s probably not offering much in the way of ventilation, and with five of you under the table, it won’t be long until little Timmy starts getting awfully dizzy. Nice work, weather.com. You just asphyxiated Timmy. Hope you’re proud of yourself.