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November 02, 2006
Take "Five"
I watch a lot of television. No shocker there. Thing is, it's one thing to merely watch television in a passive manner. But it's another to watch it actively, to seek out trends, to look for clues, to look into the future and see what's coming down the pipe. It takes energy, it takes intelligence, and it takes an insane lack of life. Seriously. Make sure to have no friends, no social life, and a general disdain for bathing. Then, and only then, can you truly make your mark as a Nostradamus for the pop culture world and see things as they will unravel.
And that's what I've done, taking the shows I love, peering into the crystal ball, and seeing five trends in each of these shows for the coming months. I am sharing them with you, because you've all been good kittens and deserve your cyber saucer o' milk.
Meow, baby. Meow.
Top Five Rejected Catchphrases for “Heroes”
1) “Save the Proctologist, Save the World”
2) “Save The Blogger, Save The World”
3) “Save The Socially Awkward, But Ultimately Really Nice Guy Who Sits Behind the Cheerleader in Trig, Save The World”
4) “Save Ferris, Save The World”
5) “Save The Date, Save the World”
Top Five Insanely Melodramatic Storylines Surrounding the Families of This Season of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”
1) A couple in the throes of despair due to wild dogs taking their only son during the night, a daughter who has all her organs on the outside of her body, and a grandmother who spends her days race-baiting local youths.
2) A family of four, dealing with the loss of an infant who died due to complications during birth, becomes a family of three due to an unfortunate accident involving little Tammy and Space Mountain. Ty says in interview: “My secret project’s totally ruined, man.”
3) The “Extreme” team meets the Jones family: a family allergic to every substance on the planet. Paul cries each time a new building material is shown to be deadly to the Jones family.
4) Four kids, born without faces, limbs, hopes, or dreams, receive the house they deserve, only to be run over when the bus driver moves that bus at an “extreme”ly inopportune time.
5) A mother who used to be a daddy loses a daddy who use to be a mommy, all the while trying to raise the three girls they rescued from an orphanage. All children are minorities, all suffer from an illness for which there is no cure, and all will be dead before next Christmas. Ty and the gang fight to build a house, only to find themselves under siege from the kids from “Jesus Camp” who attack in the middle of Day Five.
Top Five Ways “Smallville” Will Go Gayer
1)Star airing on the Logo Network.
2) That’s about it. Show’s insanely gay, y’all. I love it and all, but come on. You know what they say about calling a spade a spade.
Top Five Potential Backstories for Nikki and Paolo on “Lost”
1) Her name was Nikki. She was a showgirl. But that was twenty years ago, when she used to have a show.
2) They were sent by The Others to annoy the living hell out of the Losties.
3) Three words: “Single Argentian Sawyer”. Just wait until the episode where Paolo drives the heel of Sawyer’s pump into Kate’s forehead. You’ll see.
4) Paolo met her in a hotel lobby, and well, you know…
5) The combination of the letters in their first names is ten. Ten is 32 less than 42, which is one of the Numbers. Four and eight, two of the Numbers, multiplied together equal thirty-two. Clearly, they were sent to the island by Alvar Hanso to change the core values of the Valenzetti Equation.
Top Five Things Aaron Sorkin Has No Business Lecturing Us About But Will Most Likely End Up As A B-Story in One of The Few Remaining Episodes of “Studio 60”
1) Exactly how hard it is out here for a pimp
2) String theory
3) Vaginal itch
4) The problems facing poor, lesbian, Vietnamese orphans
5) How much fun sobriety can be
Top Five Ways Ronald Moore Intends to Make “Battlestar: Galactica” Even Bleaker Than It Already Is
1) As part of President Roselyn’s plan to ration food, all members of the fleet will be required to lose one limb in order to minimize the number of cells that require sustenance.
2) Apollo will not only not get skinny, but in fact will, during sweeps, eat Starbuck. Is caught by Dualla weeping while trying to spread mustard on the wing on his old Viper plane.
3) Baltar spends an entire episode being emotionally flogged by every extant version of Number Six on the basestar. Innumerable close-ups of his slighty harried, tear-stained face stay with viewers for, oh, eternity.
4) Start every episode with someone getting dumped, kicked in the crotch, having their entire worldview altered for the worse, or, preferably, having someone experience all three at the same time.
5) Tigh accidentally loses his other eye during a drunken fight with Adama, quotes “Oedipus Rex” and “King Lear” until being forced out of an airlock as an act of mercy by Chief, who, still wracked with guilt and post-traumatic stress disorder, hurls himself out the same airlock.
The First Five Suggested Titles for “The Nine”
1) “Eagan’s Foote”
2) “You Can Bank On It”
3) “The Only Actors Left After an Extraordinarily Packed Pilot Season”
4) “The Tim Daly Power Hour”
5) “Seinfeld”
Posted by Ryan McGee at November 2, 2006 08:29 PM