Wading in the Velvet Sea

“lyrics to illusion interchanged into something real i m wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn”

Hrm. I dunno, dude, you seem like you’ve got a good handle on those lyrics, there. Google seems bit superfluous at this point. Just trust your instincts.

“dress/personal grooming for eskimo on a paragraph”

File under “not only don’t I know what this means, but I can’t even figure out what they were trying to find out in the first place”. I am assuming more than one of these words should be something else entirely, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out which one. I mean, the logical word to substitute here is “paragraph”, but what do I switch it to? Anyone? I mean, I can easily answer someone’s query as to the dress/personal grooming for an Inuit on a sentence, but this is just beyond me.

“whopper erections”

Viagra: Have It Your Way!

“who made the thigh slapper”

I’ll wager the same person who made the tongue twister, the mind bender, and the foot stomper. But that’s just a guess.

“hang gliding boston mbta”

“Your attention, your attention please. Due to switching problem near the Park Street stop, all MBTA riders must exit the Green Line at Arlington. On the way out, MBTA officials will be handing out coupons, good for one hang-gliding ride from atop The Prudential Building. Thank you, and thank you for riding the T.”

Hell, they’ve done everything BUT this. Why not?

“clipart of someone falling off a building”

Ah, easy. Just pick up the “World’s Most Morbid Clip Art” from Amazon. Included are “man on fire”, “baby in well”, and “woman mauled by boar”. Fun for any Power Point presentation!

“lindsey lohan sans bra”

My vote for “most redundant search of the month”. C’mon, were those last two words really necessary to narrow your search? Jeez.

“cinemax games cancun scientist”

Not much to say to this, although it affords me the chance to drop this video, courtesy of the wizards at Cinemax. This is how they are advertising their marathon of all six “Star Wars” movies in high-def later this month.

So good, you know Lucas had nothing to do with it.

“compare and contrast essay of billy blanks and richard simmons”

And you thought YOUR term paper blew chunks.

“could you achieve more velocity than a velociraptor in a sprint?”

I mean, like, could you? I’m just saying. After all, one must take into account more than simple land-speed average, acceleration, and weight mass. There’s the environment to think about. It’s like, remember that time I was fighting the cave troll, and you thought I was a goner for sure, but I rolled an 18 with a +12 shield and totally kicked it’s troll butt? It’s like that. I mean, I know I myself could achieve greater velocity, but could you? That’s the question at hand here.

“scarlett johansson measurements”

36-24-26?

Only if she’s 5’3’’.

“real world - where are they now?”

One of two places: currently getting sauced and/or laid on “The Duel”, or asking wannabe actors if they wanna biggie size that order. That’s about it.

“thermal exhaust port”

The one right below the main port? Yea, glad you brought that up. I was thinking of telling General Tarkin about it. Just seems like we should do something about it. No, I don’t think I’m being paranoid. Look, the shaft leads directly to the reactor system. Hear what I'm saying? Look, I'll spell it out: a precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Fine, fine, whatever, I won’t tell him, if you think he’ll have Vader do that choke thing on me. But still, I’m just sayin’… sheesh, OK, I’ll stay quiet for the rest of the meeting.

“sars wedgie replicator”

For those who want not only the faux experience of having cloth uncomfortably shoved up one’s buttcrack, but also want to experience an incredibly deadly respiratory disease simultaneously.

“dry humping wet boxers”

Sounds like an upcoming Lifetime movie. As in, “Dry Humping, Wet Boxers: The Kevin Federline Story”.

“what happens at a bachelor party?”

Glad you asked. What happens in this: you get a bunch of guys together, you get a lot of booze, you get lot of food, and then you lock yourself in some remote place, that no one can get to, especially girls. You sit there all night, but only after smashing all your cell phones to pieces, lest you get tempted to drunk dial anyone. You make sure no women know your location, and you absolutely don’t plan on frequented any place where anything female might exist, whether it be a strip club, a bar, or even an IHOP. Instead, what you do all night is go around in a circle, in turn saying something nice about the bride-to-be. When you say this nice thing, you put a dollar into the “Fiancée Bowl”. This bowl, of course, is to be purchased at Tiffany’s beforehand and given to the future bride upon completion of the bachelor party, filled with whatever money the attendees had on their person.

And that’s what happens at a bachelor party.

Least, anyone I might ever give in the future for my brother who may or may not be getting married next year.

Just sayin’, hypothetically.