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November 12, 2006
There Is No Try
Been a busy weekend for yours truly. Been on the go a lot more than intended.
But now I can settle back, reflect, and share. After all, that’s what I do hear: I share. I share my hopes, my visions, my bag of Doritos…I’m a sharing kinda guy. And in this instance, I’m going to share a bit of wisdom. Things I’ve learned that I feel could benefit you, my readers. Things you can thus pass on, and do it a lot better than Hayley Joel Osment ever could.
Each lesson will be broken up into two parts: things to do, and things not to do, in certain circumstances you might encounter. If you’re like me…well, you’re freakin’ awesome. Nice work. Hard to be as cool as us, eh? It’s a burden. A burden that, unlike Frodo, we are more than capable of bearing. We don’t need no Samwise constantly by our side, always conveniently forgetting to check on us at the worst times possible. We’re stand alone type of people. A breed apart. Able to look at others with a mixture of pity and mockery. It’s fun. I know.
But just because we’re so alike doesn’t mean that we’ve had the same life experiences. So think of this as my own version of Future Dwight, sending you faxes to save the world. (Best cold open of “The Office” ever.) Print it out, pin it up. Pack it up, Pack it in.
Let me begin.
***
If you’re going to try and finally beat “Bark at the Moon” on “Medium” on “Guitar Hero”…
DO…be sure to use the practice mode in order to get through it. It’s a beast of a song that’s probably haunted your dreams for months due to its complexity.
DON’T…spend the next 24 hours calling everyone you know that you finally beat the song. Remember: they are not as nerdy as you. Did I say nerdy? I mean “awesome”. They won’t understand the level of “awesome” you’ve achieved and as such will not understand why you’re so happy, why your heart is racing so fast, and why your wrists hurt so much.
If you’re volunteering to go to the grocery store because your significant other is too busy, even though you’re as comfy in a grocery store as Saddam was in his mini-bunker…
DO…make sure you discuss the list he/she has created. You’d be surprised how little you know about the food you take for granted on a weekly basis.
DON’T…spend five minutes in the “Spice” aisle loudly complaining about how expensive olive oil is, and if the price per barrel of oil is supposedly so low lately, why these savings haven’t trickled down to the olive industry.
If you go to a Boston Celtics game…
DO…Bring your ticket for entrance.
DON’T…neglect to read the language on the front of the ticket, which says “No Bags Allowed”, which you only realize when a very nasty employee gleefully points out your ineptitude, which sends you down into a spiral of hate and anger that nearly gets you arrested for backtalk and leads you to have to leave your friend, head back on the Green Line, and meet up with your significant other, who had to drive in just to get your damn bag all so you can enter the Garden and watch the Celtics play worse than a JV girls team.
If you go to your high school’s homecoming game more than a decade after having graduated…
DO…Soak in the atmosphere, the ambience, the memories. Share anecdotes of times past. Cheer on your alma mater.
DON’T…notice a current student wearing a pair of socks that say “Pretty Juicy”, size her up, and then out loud say, “Eh, not really.” Because generally, you’ll be forced to explain what you just said. And it won’t end well.
***
Hope this helps you in all future, similar adventures. If you have any you’d like to share with me, feel free to leave them below!
Posted by Ryan McGee at November 12, 2006 03:16 PM