Wading in the Velvet Sea

A sherbet-pooping unicorn. That’s not my admittedly warped sense of humor mocking a possible kids’ movie being produced by Nickelodeon. It’s an actual description from an actual spec that just might be made into an actual movie, for which master storyteller Joe Aucoin is going to be paid actual money. And here I sit, blogging for free. Clearly I need to add some fiber-eating imaginary animals to my repertoire if I wanna see some green from all this work. By week’s end, I’ll have one. It’ll either be an ogre who ca-ca’s cantaloupes or a gryphon who defecates donuts. I’ll have to focus-group these two for maximum payout.

But if you don’t believe me, just read what the Hollywood Reporter had to say about this future Academy Award winner.

Nickelodeon Movies has acquired the spec "Unicorn" from scribe Joey Aucoin for the low- against mid-six figures. Smart Entertainment is producing.

Mid-six figures. $400-600K. “Smart Entertainment” best rethink it’s name, since it’s looking a little ironical right about now. Know what I could do with that money? I could, like, buy a one-room studio in Brookline, that’s what! You know, maybe. Assuming there’s a lot of wear and tear on it, and like, no toilets to poop in, sherbet or not sherbet. (That whole “housing collapse” you keep hearing about? Hasn’t gotten through to Boston and the surrounding areas quite yet. Sorta like how good advice can’t penetrate Paris Hilton’s ears.)

The family comedy centers on a man who wakes up with a unicorn in his apartment. Described as in the vein of "Elf," the story chronicles the relationship between a sherbet-pooping mythical creature and an alpha male character.

In one corner? Will Ferrell as (and I can’t type this enough, no matter how hard I try) a sherbet-pooping unicorn. And in the other corner, Mickey Effin’ Rourke!!!

"It was too crazy, so I couldn't pitch it," said Aucoin, a former contestant on "Project Greenlight." "I decided to write it as a spec, and if I fell on my face, it was OK."

I don’t see how it’s OK. I mean, with a pitch, it’s an oral thing. No paper trail. If you get mocked in the meeting, you can always tell people the studio executive was making it up, that you’d never in a million years pitch a movie in which the exotic bowels movements of a mythological creature was a selling point. But with a spec? The Smoking Gun and TMZ would have it up within 6 hours time, max, if you don’t get your mid-six figure sum of cash and leave me burning with envy. Well played this time, Joey Aucoin. But know you got lucky this time, punk. If you had substituted “Klondike bars” for “sherbet”, let’s just say this whole thing could have ended differently for you.

Smart Entertainment's John Jacobs is producing, with the banner's Colin O'Reilly executive producing.

Dori Howard will shepherd the project for Nickelodeon topper Scott Aversano.

I don’t know what a topper is, I don’t want to know what a topper is, and I just hope Scott Aversano’s parents knew about this before the Hollywood Reporter shameless posted this information on the internet.

Smart Entertainment's credits include the upcoming "Blades of Glory" for MTV Films and DreamWorks and "Anger Management."

"The film has fantastic elements like 'Blades of Glory' and has really strong characters," said Jacobs, who dubbed "Unicorn" a four-quadrant film.

I had to look up what a “four quadrant film” is. Turns out it’s a flick that plays to the widest demographic possible (young and old, male and female). Not really sure that’s an accurate assessment of the movie. And if any old men want to see a unicorn drop a sherbet surprise on some alpha male’s deck, well, then, I don’t want to be alone in the dark with them, damnit. I don’t think that’s insensitive of me to say.

Aucoin, who met O'Reilly when they were students at Loyola Marymount, worked closely with him to develop the story.

Which means they actually workshopped this story. It went through multiple drafts. At some point, they had a worse idea than a unicorn that excretes frozen fruit juice from its hiney. Maybe at one point the lead character was a pegasus that peed pure hatred. We’ll never know.

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But maybe I’m being too hard on this film. Maybe I’m just jealous. I’m too close to the source to tell. So I’ll turn it over to you, now. What do YOU make of this upcoming film? Leave your comments below.