Wading in the Velvet Sea

Phoning It In

So Susan and Leigh pull up roughly 18 hours later than everyone else to the drive-in. Mr. Bright doesn’t seem surprised to see them there; after all, he texted them a direct clue to come to the place. I have to hand it to Mr. Bright: I’m impressed he remembered that they never showed up. They were only out of one episode and I’d already forgotten about them.

Turns out, they were the first eliminees in the race. Susan, however, is having none of this, and thus began “Drivings of a Mad Black Woman”. Turns out, Susan heard none other than God himself tell her she would win this race. So, Susan and Leigh are the new Blues Brothers? Is that it? On a mission from God? Mr. Bright offers his theological insight with the curt phrase, “God was wrong.” I like Mr. Bright. He relieves them of their Cell Phone of Fairly Obvious Clues and send them on their way.

What then followed was a tedious series of scenes in which Susan plays Mulder to Leigh’s Scully, only instead of talking about aliens they are talking about God’s involvement in a $32 million dollar, illegal, cross-country road race. I realize it’s someone dull and repitive to keep typing out “$32 million dollar, illegal, cross-country road race”, but the writers keep insisting that people on this show say this phrase at least three times an episode, just in case someone’s channel hopping, finds “Drive”, and thinks, “Gee, why are these people in a car? Oh, for a $32 million dollar, illegal, cross-country road race? Really! You don’t say? Perchance I shall watch this well-produced drama as I seek entertainment on this fine Monday night.”

And just when I’m ready to light myself on fire with all the “See, God really wants us to win!”, blam! My hero for the night, the big-ass truck that rams the holy hell out of their car, comes in to save me from slitting my wrists. I know I shouldn’t root for the truck instead of the ladies, but c’mon, I just find the plot device hollow and clichéd. Apparently the Powers That Be were also annoyed with the God talk, or more accurately, how the pair insisted on continuing the race without their permission. So they sent the modern-day equivalent of Bigfoot to mow their righteous asses down. All of this went down MONDAY, MONDAY, MONDAY!

So go truck, go bloodshed, and, aw, damnit, Leigh survived. Turns out SHE, not Susan, is the one God wanted to win the race. Which means one of two things: 1) sloppy writing, 2) God’s really confusing with his use of the second person. Either way, it means the Messenger of God can go forth and win $32 million because FEMA effed up and now God feels bad about it. Or something. I don’t know. I mean, that guy who picked Leigh sure doesn’t care. Apparently, in his mind, picking up a hitchhiker drenched in blood is a perfectly normal thing to do. It must be God’s will. Amen.

Bank On It

Did you know they served chai lattes in prison? Because I sure didn’t. Amazing. It’s true: Starbucks are effin’ everywhere.

In the side plot, the “Jump Ahead” game featured Alex and Corinna attempting to rob a bank for the contents of a safe deposit box. Along the way, Los Hermanos join their efforts, since Winston’s an expert at armed robbery (so expert he was, um, arrested the last time he did it) and Sean suddenly turned into Link from “The Matrix” and can hack security systems in banks. Um. OK. That works. Corinna…well, she’s got that whole “skinny but not super skinny so it would look unhealthy Courtney Love” thing going for her. Not sure how that helps during a bank robbery, but I’m not Tim Minear.

Alex, in his function as “stay behind the wheel and imagine my wife while everyone else robs the bank”, catches Night Guard Lenny McLetch snooping around the facilities. His reaction to catching the three in the middle of the crime can only be described as analogous to the reaction a fat nymphomaniac would have to walking into an all-you-can-eat-buffet/orgy combination. In about 10 seconds flat, he’s flashlighting Corinna’s crotch and all but sayin’, “I’ma gonna kill me some Mexicans, yeehaw!”

Alex comes in, all hell breaks loose, and somehow Sean shoots the guard, perhaps because he downloaded the ability to use firearms as he was hacking into the computer. (Whoa!) Only turns out the guard shot him first. The nice, simple back robbery has turned into a blood bath. One guard dead, one Hermano bleeding to death, and one unopened box in the middle of it all. At the end of the episode, there’s blood everywhere: on Leigh, on Sean, all over the Tullymobile.

And this is only Episode 4.

***

I didn’t get to talk about “The Lioness” or “I Am An Army Of One…No, Seriously, They All Left Without Me” in this review, because, well, my eyes sort of glazed over whenever they were onscreen. I have hope for The Lioness, but I have next to no hope for Rob and Ellie, who have to date shown no redeeming qualities other than her gravity-defying bosom, which was covered up this week. So, got nothing there.

But now it’s your turn: what did you think about tonight’s episode? Did it live up to the first three? Exceed them? Take a nosedive? Did the God stuff strike you the way it did me, or did you react another way? Drop your comments below. Also, make sure to listen to my “Drive” podcast here. This week’s episode covers the first three episodes in detail, including what this show has in common with “Lost” and “Heroes”. Definitely worth a listen.