Wading in the Velvet Sea

As always, these are real, unedited searches picked up by my stats programs that were Google’d and yielded some aspect of my website. And as always, the people who posted these searches kinda sorta scare the bejesus out of me.

“one does not simply take the red pill into mordor”

Heh. I love the mixed quotes here, taking aspects of “The Matrix” and “The Lord of the Rings” and mashing them up into one geektastic mess-up. Though this did get me thinking about other ways in which these two franchises could be combined.

Sauron: You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.
Frodo: Um, actually, it’s just cuz Bilbo gave me the ring, your Flaming Eye-ness.

Galadriel: The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.
Neo: Whoa.

“hey guess what? one of the interns here..”

My vote for “Biggest Tease of a Search”. Now I’m hopelessly curious as to what the intern did. Photocopy his butt? Miss the FedEx deadlines? Not pay a lot for that muffler? The possibilities are endless. That intern shall now haunt my dreams. Which, actually, might be a bit of a relief, since the season finale of “Smallville” has been haunting my dreams in the meantime, and I’m quite ready to have a certain new villain leave my subconscious.

“crotchless lapdance”

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume this is a Freudian slip of a search, versus what this person was actually looking for. Unless it’s someone who doesn’t know what crotchless panties are, overheard their older brother/sister talking about it, and is trying to find out what they are via websearch, but, in a game of “Telephone” type of way, have gotten things lost in translation. Sorta like how my brother, when he was seven, insisted a virgin was someone who didn’t eat meat.

“what happen to the band baby bash? i hardly hear suga suga anymore.”

Is this a search? ‘Cuz it seems like it’s a statement to mean. As if this person needed to air his or her grievances, and decided it would do so through Google. Like they expected Google to reply, “Totally! That song was da bomb!”

“what do audience members do when they are one number away from bingo ?”

They all but crap their pants, given the one episode of “National Bingo Night” that I subjected myself to in the name of science and good blogging. ABC proudly declared the following week that over 20,000,000 bingo cards were printed out from home, which of course doesn’t mean 20 million people watched the show, but that 8 people in Des Moines printed the holy hell out of those online cards.

“who wrote giant glass jingle”

I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that person went on to work with some of today’s biggest artists. That’s one INSANELY catchy jingle. If you live in the New England area, you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, click here. I fully believe that no actors were used in the making of that commercial. Everyone just knows this song. We know the Red Sox, the Big Dig, and 1-800-54Giant. The moment I knew The Girl had fully acclimated herself to the area was when she sang along to the commercial for the first time. I won’t lie: I got a bit misty-eyed.

“peter petrelli’s old and new haircut”

Let’s leave Peter’s hair aside for a moment, and let’s discuss why on earth he was chosen to be the thug in Fergie’s new video, “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. When they were casting the video, did they actually think, “We need a bad-ass drug-dealer for Fergie to leave, thereby proving her inner strength for leaving such a monster…I know, let’s get Milo Ventimiglia!” What, was Jon Cryer not available?

“pointless emoticons insinuate stupidity; emoticons should describe exact feelings that can’t be efficiently converted into words.”

Um. OK. This is one erudite and annoyed 11-year old.

“hunny bunny and sean diesel pics"

I don’t know who Sean Diesel is, but I can’t help thinking he’s Vin Diesel’s less successful brother, and that when the family gets together every holiday, Sean gets really drunk and keeps shouting, “Why did you give HIM the cool name, Ma? Huh? ‘Sean Diesel’, that’s the best you could come up with? Do you know how many beat-downs I got for that? They were fast, and they were furious.”

“scott baio dunk tank”

Personally, if I were at the “Charles in Charge Traveling Carnival”, I’d skip this exhibit and go straight to “Pin the Tail on the Nicole Eggert”. But that’s just me.