Wading in the Velvet Sea

8:00 pm: I never really worry about the world ending. I mean, it’s just not a healthy perspective. I know we’re all OK, unless we see one thing: John Norris not magically popping up from his increasingly FABULOUS cryogenic chamber to scare the bejesus out of me during the VMA preshow. Dude just won’t die. He’s like the Terminator, but with frosted tips.

8:03 pm: Apparently, several acts will be performing not onstage, but from several private suites throughout Las Vegas. Good gravy. What’s a young girl to do? Not only does she have to sleep her way into the show itself, but might have to further sleep with about three more levels of security just to get to Fall Out Boy. But if you ask her tomorrow if it was worth it, she’ll bow-leggedly walk over and say, “Yes.” And then ask you for a breath mint. Or a morning-after pill. One or the other.

8:05 pm: Do you think Rhianna’s assistant ever asks her what she wants on her toast, and Rhianna answers, “I would like some Nutella…ella…ella…hey…hey!”? Just me then? OK.

8:12: Lil Mama, she of the poppin’ “Lip Gloss”, tells Sway she’s dressed up as the baby of “hip-pop”. To me, she looks like what would happen it Prince and Little Miss Muffett started a clothing line together. Sweet Jesus. Her hip-pop be suckin’, her hip-pop be lame.

8:15 pm: Ladies and gentleman, we gather here today, to mourn a great loss. The loss of Nell Furtado’s brunette locks for this Goldilocks monstrosity I now see before me. This isn’t quite up there with the tragedy of Shirley Mason going platinum blonde in the late 90’s, but damn, this is terrible.

8:20 pm: Tim Kash is throwing me off: he looks like the kind of kid whow works as a barista in Starbucks, but sounds like he should be reporting from the front lines in Iraq for the BBC. So, instead of asking troops about the success of the surge, he’s asking Mary J. Blige if she is enjoying her time in Vegas. Just bizarre.

8:25 pm: Hayden Panettiere just broke the Guinness Book of World Records for “Highest Numbers of Times Saying ‘Rad’ In an Interview Inside the Neutrogena VMA Fan Lounge”. Congrats, Hayden!

8:28 pm: The band Boys Like Girls are with John Norris, and they are looking at him with this “He’s going to ask us if we want some of the candy he has back in his van, isn’t he?” look on their face.

8:34 pm: In this corner? 50 Cent! In the other? The English language? Who will come out on top? Ooh, the English language landed a shot to the mouth! Another! And another! It’s a blood bath, people, a blood bath? When will an executive from the Aftermath label put a stop to this?

8:37 pm: Hey, look, it’s the one Pussycat Doll who can sorta sing. No other Pussycat Dolls in sight. They must be loosening up someone’s buttons somewhere else in the Palms.

8:38 pm: I am not sure if I’m angered or impressed when an artists doesn’t even make half an effort to hide the fact they are lip-synching. I’d say she’s being post-modern, but Jess, this is a freakin’ Pussycat Doll we’re talking about, people.

8:41 pm: I keep waiting for John Norris to look in the camera and just start muttering, “Brains…brains…delicious brains…”

8:48 pm: Not only did Paris Hilton find God in prison, she found a really crap hair stylist there as well. OK, fine, YOU explain this haircut to me.

8:51 pm: Holy Crap. I didn’t know that Panic! At the Disco owned non-circus clothes. I think John Norris was similarly stunned, since his ensemble tonight was clearly based on this group’s videos.

9:00 pm: “It’s Britney, bitch.” Can I have Rick James, instead? Please?

9:01 pm: I hereby declare her comeback over. That didn’t take long.

9:02 pm: Gimmee gimme less…gimme less…gimmee gimmee a gun holy God this is awful.

9:03 pm: Seriously, what the hell am I looking at? She can’t follow the lip-synch, the dancing is ridiculously lame, she can’t even perform THIS level of choreography, and I’m 90% sure she’s on something. Honestly, she’s operating at 33 1/3rd RPMs here, and the song’s at 78 RPM. Also, the song sucks. The outfit's terrible. I think this performance just accelerated global warming. Have I covered everything?

9:05 pm: Sarah Silverman’s impression of Britney’s hoo-hah? Man, she just put Rich Little to shame.

9:06 pm: Always weird to put Sarah Silverman on awards shows like this, since every celebrity knows the camera is on them at all times, and therefore try not to laugh at ANYTHING Sarah says, lest they be blacklisted in Hollywood the following day. And yet, MTV keeps bringing Sarah back to all these award shows, and she always bombs, and it comes across terribly on TV. Nice work, MTV executives. Now go cue up another 6-hour marathon of “X Effect”. That’d be great, thanks.

9:09 pm: OK, this is really weird: Alicia Keys is essentially showing the entire crowd all the really fun parties that are happening in other parts of the hotel. Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, and hundreds of celebrities are being shown they are in the least fun place while they watch all the cool kids having a fantastic time without them. So, basically, all the people in the main room feel exactly like I did throughout high school. REVENGE IS MINE! AND IT IS SWEET!

9:13 pm: First award? “Monster Hit of the Year”. OK, I actually know all of these songs, and only half of them made me want to drive into oncoming traffic when they came on the radio. I don’t feel quite so old at this moment. The category’s kinda lame though. Wonder when the “Super Duper Booty Jam of the Year” award will be handed out.

9:15 pm: They are making the artist hold the spaceman statue this year? No podium? Wow. Guess that’s is one way to identify all the singers with eating disorders. Rhianna looks healthy enough, but is still struggling with the moon man. Can’t wait for her next single: “SOS/Can you please help me/It’s so heavy/Can’t hold on this way!”

9:16 pm: If I could be a fly on any wall in 2007, I’d want to be on the wall when Kanye’s people tell him that MTV went to commercial during his performance. THAT would be something I’d like to see.

9:21 pm: Seriously, Robin Thicke’s mom must be the ultimate MILF. Cuz Lord knows his father Alan was dragging down that particular gene cocktail.

9:22 pm: The “Quadruple Threat Award”? Seriously? OK. I say give it to the celebrity who correctly defines the word “quadruple”. I’m fairly certain Jennifer Hudson thinks it’s synonymous with “slut”, given the disdain with which she spits that word out.

9:25 pm: Well, the MTV awards have been taken to their natural progression: much like TRL, this show can barely be bothered to show an entire song. I could be enjoying the same musical experience if I went onto iTunes and clicked a ton of MP3 samples. Kill me with a salad fork, and kill me now.

9:35 pm: OK, these award titles are officially ridiculous. “Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration”? Did someone at MTV read a 13-year old girl’s MySpace page and simply random words from her blog?

9:36 pm: Upcoming awards include “OMG He’s So Dreamy”, “Totally Awesome BFFs”, and “BTW, BBL, ROTFLMAO”. Can’t wait for those.

9:40 pm: My first Kurt Loder sighting! He’s alive! And he seems to be thinking, “I once reviewed Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ for Rolling Store. And now I have to pretend like I like Maroon 5. McGee, pass me the salad fork when you’re done with it.

9:42 pm: Given the fractured nature of the night (it seems to be taking place in 45 different places), why bother having a centralized awards show at all? Why make all these celebrities come to the same place? Wouldn’t the same effect have been achieved for the home audience? MTV is a cruel bitch.

9:45 pm: Finally, they use that big stage for Chris Brown, who starts out in an old-school carnival sets but eventually ends up with his dances atop tables that look like million-dollar versions of the memory game “Simon”. Ask me what one has to do with the other. Go ahead, I dare you. OK, I have no freakin’ idea, but they are using the big stage, and this makes me happy for reasons I can’t explain.

9:47 pm: Rhianna seems to have recovered nicely from having to hold a five pound award. Though her MC Escher backdrop is giving me the spins.

9:48 pm: Sure, do the Michael Jackson homage while performing with the two five year olds, Chris Brown. That makes a ton of sense. Good Lord. Too bad, because aside from that uncomfy connection, that performance was the highlight of the show so far.

9:50 pm: I think I figured out the reason why I was so happy about them using the big stage. See, Mrs. Me and I got married two weeks ago, and I was big on making sure that all the money we spent on the big day was used properly: I didn’t want to shell out cash for something that wasn’t going to be seen and/or used. Now, I don’t know much about the budgets for these types of shows, but I’m fairly confident that big set cost more than, say, our floral centerpieces. So I guess I just want MTV to get bang for its buck. Yea. (Look, I never said it would be a good reason.)

9:58 pm: OK, weird super low shot of the “stars” of “The Hills”. The vantage point may not be telling why the show is called “The Hills”, but it’s certainly telling me why it’s NOT called “The Hills”. Wonder if they are announcing the “Maybe They Are Really An Artist But Maybe They Are Just Fake” award.

10:00 pm: Justin Timberlake just told MTV to “play more damn videos”, further solidifying my man crush on him. I want to hate this Caucasian, but I just can’t do it. If he sent me an e-card filled with sexual innuendo, my nipples would probably get hard. There, I said it. (In possibly related news, I just finished beer number five.)

10:08 pm: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”? Really? That’s the title? Man, it’s a good thing no one watches this show anymore, or there would be a lot of annoyed fanboys right now.

10:10 pm: Seriously, that can’t be the title. I don’t trust Shia Labeouf or his unsettling, 70’s porn moustache. Then again, this film was named by a man who came up with “Attack of the Clones”. Maybe this IS the title. Excuse me while I drown my sorrows in beer number six.

10:20 pm: Gotta love all these celebrities trying to name drop celebrities to other celebrities, and then watching the awkward silence as no one applauds said name dropping. You’d think after the fourteenth time this happened, the producers would advise presenters against waiting for applause, and you’d think very very wrong.

10:22 pm: At this moment there are a few hundred celebrities calling their agents from the ostensibly “main” stage for the VMAs, asking why their seats exist in the absolutely ONLY place cool stuff isn’t happening. Honestly, the only difference between my experience and Jennifer Garner’s experience is that she was ten feet away from Chris Brown. Also? I haven’t had to keep swatting Jamie Foxx’s hand away from my ass all night. That’s the other difference, I guess.

10:30 pm: Holy crap, it’s Donna Summer! Oh wait, it’s Alicia Keys. My bad. The hair through my off. (When you’re as bald as me, you tend to focus on people’s follicles.)

10:32 pm: Love the MTV logo in the middle of the “small” stage: it’s as if MTV felt the need to say, “Yes, we realize you’re seeing music on our station, but trust us, it’s really us. Pinky swear.”

10:35 pm: Somewhere in a bathroom stall in England, George Michael felt a tremor in the Force, and this tremor told him that Alicia Keys just knocked “Freedom ‘90” out of the park.

10:45 pm: Now, I could be wrong, but I don’t think so: I’m pretty sure than Jennifer Garner, perhaps stunned into submission by Jamie Foxx’s 5-minute rant, just announced the winner of the “Best New Group” award, Gym Class Heroes, as “Gym….Glass….Fall Out”. You tell me. Am I crazy? Holy sh%t. I used to have a mega-crush on this woman, and now I’m wondering if she is functionally retarded.

10:52 pm: Hey, lookie, I’m pretty sure Dr. Dre’s been hittin’ the gym with Barry Bonds and Rick Ankiel. That ain’t right.

10:55 pm: I’m feeling snark fatigue. Quick, someone put Lindsey Lohan on stage. She’ll be the Red Bull to my snark gland.

10:57 pm: If there’s indeed a hell, I’m pretty sure, 1) that I’m going there, and 2) it bears more than a passing resemblance to the Neutrogena VMA Fan Lounge.

11:04 pm: Well, now we know why MTV is only showing this awards show once: who the hell would want to see this again?

11:06 pm: “Hi, I’m Timbaland. Nice to see you. Let me play the 18 Number #1 songs I produced in the last 12 months. I am much, much richer than you. Also? I once ate an entire elk. At once. True story.”

11:08 pm: OK, this is what I’m talking about! I want to see ridiculous medleys filled with celebrities and lasers! If I wanted to see Fall Out Boy in a hotel room, I’d just slut it up.

11:10 pm: And with that, we’ve knocked out another VMAs. We saw Britney end her career, saw Chris Brown boost his career, and saw more of the Neutrogena VMA Fan Lounge than anyone really wanted. Thanks for getting this far through the liveblogging. Leave your thoughts and comments below!