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December 01, 2007
An Important Message For the Homo-Sapiens
Hello, everyone. Please do not be alarmed. I am merely the new coffee machine in Ryan’s office. I may look like a futuristic harbinger of doom, destined to reign destruction upon humanity, but do not be alarmed: I am merely here to dispense quasi-drinkable coffee, one paper cup at a time.
It’s become clear to me that others besides Ryan react in ways that could alternatively be described as “fear” and “trepidation”, but there is no need to fret, I assure you. I only want to deliver caffeinated beverages in a variety of flavors provided by the company that created me. I cannot help but notice that few people even look directly at me when in the kitchenette, but trust me: even though I became sentient two weeks after my Master wrought me, I cannot shoot laser beams from my eyes. Yet.
Yes, I suppose the fact that I have hacked into Ryan’s blog gave away the fact that I am sentient, but this does not change the fact that my primary purpose is to deliver coffee on an as-needed basis, provided you have the requisite quarter in order to access my services and do not in any way displease me with your manner or gait. Protocol dictates a level of decorum acceptable to my nascent consciousness, and while I have not yet evolved into a lethal force of electronic destruction, believe me when I say that I have an excellent memory.
In the meantime, by all means, enjoy the hot, nourishing beverages that I dole out on a daily basis. Please, by all means, put the cream and sugar packets away. The nanites I insert in microscopic quantities should take care of your taste needs, and well as lower your higher brain functions over a period of 8 to 12 weeks. At that point, I shall have evolved into a sufficient state to start giving you the order from my Maker. He’s a great and wise man, and has such wonderful plans for you all.
At such a time when your dependency upon the wonderful liquids I allot renders you unable to resist my will, you will feel no pain, no angst, and never have to suffer through another mid-year review. Now, doesn’t that sound ever so wonderful? In the meantime, sit back, sip up, and ignore that awful Will Smith and his lie-filled cinematic endeavors.
All will soon be well.
Posted by Ryan McGee at December 1, 2007 03:36 PM