Not everyone likes their job. OK, most people don't. No big revelation there. For many, their office just doesn't have the spice, the excitement, the action that they crave...it's the antithesis of the movies many of us love to watch as a form of escapism from our own lives. So wouldn't injecting those characters into the humdrum life of an office make the 9-5 go faster? Wouldn't it increase morale, productivity, and the chance that dragons might take out that VP whose corner office you crave?
Well, I thought so too, until I sat around and thought about it. Maybe this in fact wouldn't be better. It could be disastrous. However, I didn't want to risk my own personage in the pursuit of the truth. I'm far too pretty. Instead, I sent in a hapless intern to find out what it would be like to work for a company inhabited by those beloved characters of the science fiction/fantasy/comic book world to find out if indeed a better work world lay down that road. What the Intern discovered, however, was not a better world…nor a worse world…instead, he found one eerily like our own…
Episode 1: ...in which out Intern deals with a typical malfunction...
Intern: Oh, man. Copier’s not working.
Aragorn: You have my sword!
Legolas: And my bow!
Gimli: And my axe!
Intern: Do any of you happen to have toner, by any chance? I'm pretty sure that's what this particular situation calls for.
Episode 2: ...in which we find our Intern deep in the bowels of the HR department, asking about benefits...
Intern: So, yea, I was wondering about the dental plan.
Morpheus: There is no dental plan.
Intern: Um, what?
Morpheus: Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it.
Intern: Well, what I feel is a cavity coming on, so I’d like to see a dentist…
Morpheus: You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world.
Intern: Well, actually, only this week, and it’s just my tooth, not the world…
Morpheus: You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Intern: Not mind! Mouth!
Morpheus: Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch.
Intern: Is there someone else I can talk to? I need to find out about medical coverage as well.
Morpheus: There is a red pill, and a blue pill…
Intern: I’m outta here.
Episode 3...in which our Intern has to lead an unwilling team towards a difficult deadline...
Intern: OK, well, thanks everyone for coming. I know no one’s gonna like this, but turns out, corporate needs a new brochure to roll out before next month’s big trade show, and…
Boromir: One does not simply create a brochure in less than four weeks. This timeline is guarded by more than just project managers. There is evil in the cube farm that does not sleep, and the comptroller is ever watchful. The programmers’ apartment is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand employees could you do this. It is folly. *starts to choke*
Darth Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Intern: Whoa. Um, thanks for the vote of confidence, Darth. I think.
Episode 4: ...in which our Intern has some computer problems...
Intern: Hey, um, having a bit of trouble accessing the server.
Scotty: The server’s going down!
Intern: Oh no!
Scotty: She can’t take much more of this!
Intern: OK, look, it’s OK if I panic, but you’re the IT guy, why are you screaming?
Scotty: She can’t take much more of this!
Intern: And why are you Scottish?
Scotty: I need Romulan crystals to stabilize the core generator.
Intern: I don't even know what those are. Are they for MACs or something? I'm a PC guy myself, so...
Scotty: The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps.
Intern: None of that makes sense. I had no intention of giving you any bumps of any kind. I...forget this, I’m asking this guy over here. Hey, man, any idea how I can retrieve that file I need to send to Paris?
Superman: All those things I can do. All those powers. And I couldn't even save it.
Intern: Crap.
Episode 5: in which our Intern gets moved to a new desk...
Intern: Hey, how are you? Guess we’ll be sharing a cube together.
Batman: I’m Batman.
Intern: Cool. So, um, enjoy working here?
Batman: I’m Batman.
Intern: Right. Um. So, I heard it’s a pretty good place to work for, I’m just out of college, and…
Batman: I’m Batman.
Intern: As was previously established, yes…um, hey, know where the nearest Starbucks is? I’m feelin’ like a latté.
Batman: I’m Batman.
Intern: OK then. No caffeine for you. Got it.
Episode 6: in which our Intern chats with a long-time employee...
Galadriel: The world is changed... I feel it in the water... I feel it in the earth... I smell it in the air... Much that once was, is lost... For none now live, who remember it...
Intern: Wow. You HAVE been with this company a long time. You weren’t kidding.
Galadriel: The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the Company is true.
Intern: Well, I’m not sure the creation of the Spring catalog is a quest per say, but you know, thanks for upping the dramatic ante on my first project here.
Episode 7: ...in which our Intern is asked to beta-test a new product…
Gandalf: Hold out your hand, Intern. It's quite cool. [Drops the CD-ROM into Frodo's palm]
Intern: OK, CD-ROM, got it…guess you want me to load this up on my laptop…
Gandalf: What do you see? Can you see anything?
Intern: Nothing. There's nothing. [Gandalf sighs in relief... then letters appear on the screen]
Intern: Wait... there are markings. It's some form of binary code, I can't read it.
Gandalf: There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.
Intern: Mordor? No, I’m pretty sure it’s just Linux…
Gandalf: In the common tongue it reads "One Ring to Rule Them All. One Ring to Find Them. One Ring to Bring Them All and In The Darkness Bind Them."
Intern: No, it says, “Not enough RAM to operate. Error #4523.” Nothing about rings or binding. Or darkness. Who wrote this program?
Gandalf: It is a burden he should never have had to bear.
Intern: No doubt. This doesn’t even come close to working.
Gandalf: Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends.
Intern: Whoa, whoa, wasn’t talking about death. Maybe hiring a temp to tweak the code, but no death. I’m starting to wish you hadn’t brought this disc over.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
Intern: OK, in that case, I’m deciding to go get some Fritos from the vending machine. See you in a little while.
Episode 8: ...in which our Intern has to perform an interdepartmental assignment...
Intern: Hey, my boss asked me to give this contract to you, you know, have a look over, and signby end of day. Anything you need from me?
The Architect: The function of the One is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which you will be required to select from the matrix 23 individuals, 16 female, 7 male, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the matrix, which coupled with the extermination of Zion will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race.
Intern: So what you’re saying is, you’re not going to sign this by end of day, huh?
The Architect: You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.
Intern: Look, I know our internal processes aren’t the best, but…know what? I’ll just come back tomorrow. Yea, that'll work.
Episode 9: ...in which our Intern goes out for drinks with a coworker...
Han Solo: How are you feeling kid? You don't look so bad to me. You look strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark.
Intern: I dunno man, I’m glad you invited me out and all, but I didn’t realize you were setting me up on a blind date. These things never go well for me. The odds of me liking her…
Han Solo: Never tell me the odds.
Intern: Plus, it’s your sister, and that just seems like…wait, that’s not her over there, is it?
Han Solo: She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
Intern: Dude, that’s your SISTER you’re talking about…
Han Solo: I've made a lot of special modifications myself.
Intern: I just…wait, what did you just say? Did you just…man, that ain’t right.
Han Solo: Damn fool, I knew you were going to say that.
Intern: Course I was gonna say that! Don’t talk about your sister that way! So, you’re saying her boobs…?
Han Solo: Yeah, I use them for smuggling.
Intern: OK, so not what I meant, yet somehow more disturbing. I think I’m gonna go home, go try my luck again on Match.com or something…
Han Solo: Good against remotes is one thing. Good against the living, that's something else.
Intern: Well, “living” is one thing. You’re trying to pimp a sister/storage device on me. Oh man, I’m trapped…she’s coming over…is that her perfume, or her…?
Han Solo: Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!
Episode 10: ...in which our Intern is taking minutes at the senior management meeting…
Intern: OK, well, I see next on the agenda we have the quarterly budget reports…let me pass those out for you…
Agent Smith: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.
Intern: Um, sorry? Are you talking to me?
Saruman: Your love for the Halflings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind.
Intern: What? That’s so not my thing. Never even smoked a cigarette, nevermind...Look, I have them right here in my mind, I’m sorry I’m not moving fast enough, it’s my first meeting…
The Emperor: I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.
Intern: Whoa, whoa. Um, this is just a summer gig to me, I’m out of here by Labor Day. I appreciate the desire to invest resources in me, but I’m sure there’s other people willing to, um, do that whole master thing with you.
Saruman: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain.
Intern: Boy, no wonder no one else wanted to take minutes at this meeting…
Saruman: You will taste man-flesh.
Intern: I will do no such thing. Honestly, that’s just gross.
The Emperor: Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side.
Intern: Wait, you ACTUALLY call your group the “Dark Side”? I thought that was a myth made up by the secretaries.
Mr. Smith: Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love?
Intern: It could be cuz I don’t wanna be Mr. Emperor’s gimp, ever consider that? I’m outta here. Reports are on the table.